In one story of Camelot, an enemy spews out faint praise saying, “It is a nice dream… for some.” The king responds, “No vision can be right for some which is not right for all.” The power of the round table centered upon an ideal, not upon its steward, Arthur.
Like Camelot’s enemy, I once considered skepticism as a path to authenticity. I had beliefs, but didn’t want them have much influence on who I was or what I desired. I viewed confident, outward faith as a nice dream, for some. What I really needed was a wake-up call.
Wake-up Call
Back then I was Huck Finn and my older brother Scott was my Tom Sawyer. Especially during the summer, we egged each other on to risk and adventure, often striking out on some expedition over lakes, woods, or mountains. The summer following his freshman year at Harvard took me into completely foreign territory after he was killed by a drunk driver.
If home is where the heart is, then grief can be disorienting. Yet it exposed how far I’d wandered on my own. Life, centered on self, does not bring greater authenticity but lesser vision. Mourning made me admit: there is a God and it’s not me.
Some people would say, “I am glad faith helped him, but it’s not for me.” Such faint praise echoes Camelot’s enemy. It stands over an ideal with a sophistication that smacks of bitterness. I’ve heard it said often, “He struggles with faith because he’s so smart.” Nonsense. The only thing faith will do to an intellect is provide something bigger to think about. We must surrender the will, not the brain.
“Fallen man is not simply an imperfect creature who needs improvement: he is a rebel who must lay down his arms.” – C.S. Lewis
About face
After laying down my arms, what I’d been taught from scripture became more than distant events and ideals. The cross of Christ seemed part of my own personal history, a place of exchange of my worst for His best. The name Jesus no longer embarrassed me, because I recognized in him God’s character as a lover of souls.
The same battle rages within each of us. We strive for peace by trying harder or comparing (“I’m not as bad as…”). Only honest grief over the condition of one’s soul makes us open to the unconditional mercy of God.
Christmas reminds us that God’s message of peace came wrapped in a person. Like Camelot, it’s a story of a servant king. More than a story, Christmas is a glimpse of a Kingdom not of this world, an ideal we can begin to achieve even now. True grief over our the human condition can give way to new life. As an old Carol suggests:
“May every heart prepare Him room.”
Christmas, 2015
Tim
What a precious gift you have given by allowing us to glimpse a part of your faith journey. Your mother and I worried greatly about your state of mind after Scott was killed and we felt somewhat helpless to know how to intervene. What you have shown is that we humans are not capable of supplying a solid anchorage for ourselves or our loved ones, no matter how deeply we care. It is Jesus through Grace that brings about the progress on our faith journeys. I, too, have had problems with the “born again” concept at least in the sense of it being an experience that one can pinpoint to almost an instance in time. My faith journey has been a long involved one with many ups and downs, twists and turns. And I must say that the incites you have shared from your own faith journey, along with many from your mother’s and your sister’s have had significant influences on my own.
Your description of the grieving process is also spot on. Although “devastated” does apply, your term, dislocated, probably gets at the ongoing state of mind, emotions and body. Indeed, it is a dislocating experience, almost an “out of body” occurrence.
More and more in my “dotage” years I have come to appreciate that we humans cannot be “masters of our fate”. Our drives, leadership abilities, and work ethics may allow us to accomplish some short-term goals in life, but if one stands back and looks at the whole of the “human condition” including ones own place in it, one must be aware that humans most often fail in those important realms that would make life joyous and peaceful, that is in most relationships, personal or public. Only through the Grace of God does anything really go well in the world, because in most instances we humans fall back on self-interest and produce conflict rather than peace.
Thanks for another thoughtful and thought-provoking epistle.
Merry Christmas and a Happy and Healthy 2012 to you and all those with whom you share.
Thanks for this blessed Christmas gift, Tim. Praying for your tender “little brother” heart. Grateful for your wise words on this holy day.
Thanks Joani. Nearly 30 years later it’s not a tender memory, but certainly important. Your intuition is on the mark in one sense: I’m writing to my “past self” in order to connect with people who may similarly be living at a safe distance from God.