A dozen years ago I was booked to appear on Larry King Live. It was the year M. Shyamalan’s movie Unbreakable had come out, and the producers of the show wanted someone to join their conversation who had recently survived a true catastrophe. That was me. Nine months earlier, I had planned a retreat to Crested Butte, Colorado for several churches. On the way home as our charter bus made its way towards Canon City, we hit a patch of ice and then tumbled over 100 feet down into a ravine.
The resulting injuries and deaths put more than fifty families into a long season of recovery and grief. Over the course of the next year, we assembled everyone into small groups as places to work through their stuff. And there was a lot of stuff. Many of the youth had post-traumatic stress. Formerly outgoing, straight-A students shifted into neutral in nearly every way.
But during that season, we learned and grew. We enjoyed high trust and transparency. 
We celebrated every milestone together, and by the end of the year, we invited the entire community to a service of remembrance and thanksgiving. These families had made tremendous progress in a short period of time, healing at every layer. Recently a group asked me to speak about the lessons taught and learned during that year. I will share them with you below. As for the Larry King show? It never happened. Shyamalan and I were bumped by a “hanging chad.” (I’m not bitter…) So, when life interrupts, are there signposts that can guide someone through? Here are a few I found helpful.
1. Crisis reveals (and can build) character
You have heard the saying, “What does not kill you makes you stronger.” Someone recently quipped, “What does not kill you sometimes makes you wish it had!” The Chinese word for crisis captures this very contradiction. It is a blend of two characters: danger and opportunity. So, I would tweak the old adage this way: “What does not kill you CAN make you stronger, when you learn to respond well.” As you’ll see next, learning to respond well can require some discipline.
2. Life is a daily gift.
Think of how many times we wake up to a new day and feel entitled to it. I found after a season of grief, freedom waits for us on the far side of this conclusion: life is a gift. It is given to us daily. That view of life is a bit unnatural. This truth must be embraced before it can be helpful. When someone has a close brush with death, it is an obvious conclusion to see life as a daily gift. But for someone who has lost a loved one, it is a conclusion that lies high up a steep mountain with one narrow footpath to the top.
3. Put it on the table.
On the way up the mountain, people need permission to call it like it is for a while rather than to be pressed quickly towards the summit view. Isn’t it better when, let’s say you catch your pinkie toe on a large piece of furniture, that people NOT try to rush you to look on the bright side? In North America, I think people get about two weeks to grieve; then the world around them expects them to move on. There is very little time to say openly and honestly what we really think about it–good, bad and ugly. We need permission to put things on the table. The pressure to get over it quickly almost always leaves unfinished business.
4. It’s not all about you.
Somewhere along the path to the top, we can begin to tire of the navel gazing. That is a good thing. In some instances, we need to work things out until we are sick of hearing ourselves complain–whether in a personal journal or to a friend. Often an ah-ha moment occurs, where a bit of the bigger picture comes into view. I remember this happening to me once after losing someone close to me. For a while I reasoned with myself about the greater purpose in it for me. Then one day, I realized that there was far more meaning and purpose to it all than what it was FOR ME. That revelation was an important milestone that allowed me to put “feeling sorry for myself” on a budget.
5. There is a God and it is not me.
When life gets interrupted and things fall apart, people press all the kings horses and all the kings men into service. Even if something extreme has happened, they hold out for things to get back to the way they were. I have found that this natural instinct can set a person up for frustration. Even well-meaning efforts to gain “closure” on something can give the impression that things will return to the way they were. Often that is not the case. Life’s interruptions can bring permanent change, but it need not be a change for the worse. What is more helpful in moving through such a season is to look for milestones. A milestone is anything that marks progress towards a new normal. They can bring a resolve to seek peace with God and to live above the circumstances.
I don’t suppose I have watched Larry King in 20 years, but I would have tuned in for your show. I just wanted you to know.
Great post. Thanks for writing it.
Tim, you came through for all of us during this horrific time. Most of us involved have witnessed the good that came from the bad and alas, the bad. Your post was so “on target” and addressed a life of faith and history most of us have learned to trust. Trust that God is always faithful when we turn to Him but we have to also trust that He may not give us the answers as soon as we want them but when we need them. Thanks for sharing these truths with all who need to hear them. You already know how much I treasured your guidance and love during this time of trial and you also know how much I love and respect you now and always.
You’ve described the grief journey very well and your observations about “closure” and the fact that life does not return to the old normal are right on.
It is indeed true that when one starts to look outward and find needs beyond ones own, healing really progresses.
I thank God that His plans for your life included surviving this tragedy, and eventually making your way–with your precious family–to Signal Mountain Presbyterian.
Thanks for sharing your story with us in person during Sunday School.
In my life God used doubt to strenghten my faith. Over the years i learned every time there was doubt on what to do or which path to take it did not go away untill i made a choice that steered me in His will. It is almost like building a puzzle, you think a piece fits but as soon as you com close to the opening you realize it does not fit. Sometimes we try to squeeze it in and only then realize it dowes not go in there, it is still part of the puzzle but maybe for another time, maybe for someone elses puzzle.
God works like that with me and i have to pick up the next piece, closer to completion, if you dont know which one to pick up, stop wondering pick one up, maybe you find its spot, maybe you know what to do, what is the next step, not sure?, start doing something, in my life God works through the people arround me, my family and church family, when i have struggles and doubts, he always answers throug his church, I just need to listen carefully.
Thanks for sharing your experience and wisdom. I look forward to being back in town and coming to Sunday School. I have missed it.
There is a lot of wisdom here. Depending on our response to life’s interruptions, painful circumstances can be a catalyst for either a lifetime of bitterness or the development of a deeper and richer heart.